Re-Introduction

I have decided to expand our research to include the effects of mental abuse on families and as a joint project, J.T. and I will take over the single parent issues by combining our research and explore the effects that being a single parent, be it by divorce or death, has on the first born, the middle child and "the baby" of the family. I hope that our research can enlighten and engage our readers. We look forward to all your comments on the subject!

-Sally & J.T.

Effects of Death on Children

Effects of Death of Parent(s) on Children

Death of a parent is devastating and the deep feelings of loss can be extremely difficult to manage. Rather the parent was ill for a period of time or the loss is a sudden or tragic death, deep mourning is sure to ensue. Children have different coping and reactions to death. Age at the time of the parent’s death is a factor. Older children or adolescents can sometimes take on the responsibility of that deceased parent and have feelings of stepping into their role, whereas young children can be confused about where the deceased parent has gone and may think they will come back. In any event, counseling for kids, strong relationship with the living parent, and support from extended family and friends can help children get through a difficult time. Loss is profound regardless of the circumstances.

What children need is continuity, care, and connection after the death of a parent.  Let a child know that they will be taken care of if they are sick, let them know they did not cause the death of their parent, be aware children may need counseling with a professional. Grief is a difficult and lonely time and children need lots of reassurance, hugs, and love during the grieving process. Spend time talking about the loved one with the child so that they can remember and not forget the deceased parent. Communication with children is important after the death of a parent. Make special time to communicate on a regular basis to help kids cope.

Just like adults, children experience their own stages of death which can include:

-- Shock and denial: The disbelief that a parent has died.
-- Anger and resentment: I hate my parent for dying. I am so mad at them. I will never forgive them.
-- Guilt and recrimination: Blaming self and showing signs of aggression and hostility.
-- Sadness and Depression: Not wanting to do anything. Feeling empty. Expressing sadness. Trouble eating and sleeping are all part of the death/mourning cycle.

There are good things that can result:

•  Children can become driven to succeed

•  Children can become responsible and accountable

•  Children can develop empathy for others

•  Children can live life with passion

•  Children can live with great purpose

•  Children can learn to look to a higher power

•  Children become resilient

Consequently, there are bad things that can result:

•  Children can avoid intimate relationships

•  Children can lose their childhood

•  Children can become rebellious

•  Children can turn to drugs, alcohol, become sexually active at early age

 Children can become withdrawn because of their grief.

 Post by JT  --  Comments Welcomed.

Mental Abuse

I see the Family Dynamics Blog as only discussing birth order, divorce or death of a parent and the affects that these would have on the family unit.  I think that this is a very important part of family life today. We all deal with these at one point in time or another in our lives.  I would like to see us expand our discussion to possibly physical and emotional abuse. We see a lot of physical abuse spotlighted in the news today with the actions of players in the NFL and other sports. I am wondering however, about the mental abuse that happens not only in sports but in the everyday life of the average American family.

I would like to expand our research, view and discussion to this very important part of the Family Dynamics Blog. I feel that this is an important topic that is often hidden from public view. Most people are embarrassed to admit that someone is mentally abusing them. Physical abuse is sometimes easily hid, emotional abuse, however, can go on for years without notice.

I am interested in the factors that this type of abuse causes to not only the abused, but the entire family unit. I look forward to possible research and any comments on approaching this subject.

-From Psychology Today

“The other factor that makes emotional abuse so devastating is the greater likelihood that victims will blame themselves. If someone hits you, it's easier to see that he or she is the problem, but if the abuse is subtle - saying or implying that you're ugly, a bad parent, stupid, incompetent, not worth attention, or that no one could love you - you are more likely to think it's your problem. Emotional abuse seems more personal than physical abuse, more about you as a person, more about your spirit. It makes love hurt.”

 -Sally Hamilton

The Effects on Divorce on the Family Unit

Some Tips for a Healthy Adjustment

In most cases divorce has a negative effect on the whole family, however there can be positive experiences as well. This is especially true if the parents remain in communication with each other. Communication is a key factor in helping the family adjust to the new lifestyle.

Parents who are upfront with their children about what is happening and do their best to keep a regular schedule show them that not everything is changing and some things will always stay the same. For example, soccer games are attended by both parents, bed time is always at 9:00 and ear piercings are still not o.k. until they are thirteen. This gives the child a sense of security. The child who knows what is happening is comforted by knowing that they can count on their parents to give them safe boundaries with which they can and will test.

Children also need to be left out of adult conversations. It is important for the parents to keep adult conversations between the adults. Children who are involved in financial or other adult issues will show signs of rebellion and anger. It is important to never talk badly of the other parent in front of children. Children whose parents do not participate in “bashing” their spouse have adjusted better and show more confidence in themselves and their abilities.

Some research shows that boys have a harder time adjusting to divorce. This difference may be based on cultural differences. Girls are allowed to show their feelings, they will cry or write and typically discuss their feeling more openly than boys. The father is also often the one that leaves the family and this may a large part of the results too. Boys will hide their feelings or it may come out in other unhealthy ways. Rough play with friends or siblings, risky behavior or misbehaving are some of the ways boys show that they are upset or having a difficult time with divorce. Keeping an open dialogue with boys and allowing them a safe place to express themselves will help them adjust better to the changing situation.

In an article by Nithyakata Karuppaswamy and Judith A. Myers, Ph.D., CFLE,  they stated that “Children adjust better to the divorce if parents adjust well to it. Children will look to their parents for signs that the family can and will get through this. So parents need to show positive and healthy ways to deal with the feelings that go with divorce.” 

-Sally Hamilton & JT

The Oldest Child

Birth Order

A Look at the Oldest Child—Known as the Firstborn

 

         The oldest child in a family may share characteristics of an only child. Firstborns are often confident and high achievers. According to Kevin Leman, PhD and author of The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are, “They don't have older siblings to make fun of them when they learn to tie their shoes or ride a bike. Adults take them seriously, and that boosts their confidence. When parents gush over every firstborn "first," it motivates oldest children to achieve. Proof of this: Leman recounts a corporate seminar he conducted for CEOs in which 19 of the 20 attendees were firstborns” (Lorenzi). 

Oldest children are always watching and learning from their parents so they learn how to take charge and lead. On the other hand, because they are always watching and imitating parents, they want to get things right and this can make them a bit of a perfectionist. Because parents of firstborns can be strict and overprotective, the oldest child tends to overachieve. Parents of firstborns tend to hold them as role models and give them a lot of responsibility. As a result, the oldest child becomes responsible, reliable, and careful because of all the attention they have received from parents. According to Pediatrician, Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, author of Touchpoints 3 to 6: Your Child’s Emotional and Behavioral Development, firstborns can experience stress as a result of all the expectations placed on them (Lorenzi).

Firstborns are not without many challenges being the oldest child. According to Michelle P. Maidenberg, PhD and child and family therapist in White Plains, New York, firstborns fear failure and have feelings of not being good enough. They dread making mistakes and this makes them inflexible, resistant to change, and hesitant to step out of their comfort zone (DiProperzio). 


         Some famous firstborns are: Dakota Fanning, Kate Middleton, Barak Obama, Penelope Cruz, Zac Efron, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Beyonce Knowles, Josh Hartnett, and Oprah Winfrey just to name a few.

Post by JT  --  Comments Welcomed.
Qualifier: (Birth Order characteristics are common traits but do not always apply to every child)

Works Cited

DiProperzio, Linda. “Understanding the power of birth order—What makes your
          children So different from one another?” Today-Parenting. Web. 9 Oct. 2014.

Lorenzi, Natalie. “How Birth Order Shapes Personality.” American Baby (Parents
          Online). Web. 9 Oct. 2014.

Death of Spouse/Divorce

Coping With the Death of a Spouse or Loved One

When a spouse or significant other dies people go through varying stages of mourning. While there is no right or wrong way to grieve and grief takes many forms, one thing is similar in all cases. The survivor will feel lonely. Some people can “recover” quickly, while others may take years before feeling “normal” again and being able to adjust to their new way of life.

The National Institute on Aging (NIA) offers a variety of ways to help people cope with their loss.  Managing the daily obstacles and trials that the newly bereaved go through can be daunting. They suggest activities like staying in touch with friends, regular exercise and possibly learning a new skill can be most helpful in getting them to adjust and back into life. The NIA also suggests that they see their doctor for feelings of sleeplessness or depression.  Guilt is another feeling that survivors go through, especially if the death was dramatic or tragic. Often it is helpful to seek therapy from a licensed psychiatrist, psychologist, religious counseling or group therapy. Depending on how serious the person is experiencing their grief, they may need medical intervention. These can be serious symptoms that should never go unchecked.

Most people take about a year to go through the mourning process and begin have more good days than bad. If they use the ideas that are suggested to them or even find another healthy way to cope, it’s always better for them. Getting used to doing things on their own is another difficulty that they will go through. The simplest task like paying a bill or feeding the dog can become a trigger for feelings of loss, sadness or even anger towards the one that has passed. This is especially true if the chore was typically the deceased responsibility. When feelings like this arise it’s best to have a plan in place to help get through the situation. Having a friend on speed dial is always a great idea.

The NIA also suggests that you rewrite your will, sign up for Medicare by age 65 and put your home and other property in your name.  All of these are great ideas and can help the person get used to doing these types of things on their own. It is important to keep up with the legal and personal issues that everyone has to deal with. Seeking help on these matters from a trusted friend, lawyer or other professional would be a good idea if you are unfamiliar with insurance, legal documents or taxes.

The NIA also offers links to other sites that might be helpful. The Social Security Administration and the Geriatric Mental Health Foundation for instance both have pages dedicated the senior citizen that has lost a spouse.  While most of these sites would be helpful to the senior citizen that loses a spouse, they are not typically helpful to the younger person that has lost a husband or wife.

The effects of the death of a parent on a child is much more difficult and far reaching than when one is an adult. The child between the ages of eleven and fifteen is most affected according to Psychcentral.com. This is the age that most children are dealing with puberty and becoming a more global person. Children who lose a parent in this age range had a higher risk of dropping out of school or forgoing higher education to work or getting married earlier. The socioeconomic stress that the family deals with causes a strained relationship between the surviving parent and the child. Often times the child will take on some of the roles and responsibilities of the dead parent which in turn causes a blurred line relationship between the surviving spouse and the child.

The National Institute of Health (NIH) states that the death of a same sex parent affects the child more so than the death of an opposite sex parent. Boys were more affected by their fathers’ death and girls by their mothers. Children that lost a same sex parent between the ages of eleven and fifteen scored lower in psychological and physical wellness.

There are many websites dedicated to dealing with the loss of a spouse, EHow for instance has a ten step program. In ten easy steps they can have you recovered! I would find this almost funny if it were not for the serious subject matter. They suggest you adopt a pet, learn to be patient and take a ride in a hot air balloon. The site is complete with cartoon pictures and ads on how to get rid of bedbugs. While not all sites are as ridiculous as this, thankfully, one should be careful to seek help on trusted, accredited websites that offer professional help.

I hope to explore more on the affects to a child by the death of parent more as we move along on this project.

Coping with Divorce

Divorce affects all aspects of the family unit. Children of divorce often experience everything from social and economic downfalls to educational and emotional issues. A child from a divorced family can lack the ability to form close bonds with others and often become either aggressive towards others or become introverted. This all depends on the age and sex of the child.

Younger children will typically become introverted and will revert back to a time when they depended on their parents. They will need their food cut, revert to bed-wetting and in general, require a lot of attention. Older children (11-15), on the other hand, will become more aggressive, especially towards the residential parent. They feel that if the parents can hurt them in this way, they have the right to hurt them back. They will rely more on support from friends.

Spouses going through divorce also experience a lot of the same feelings that widowed spouses feel. They will have feeling of anger and loss. They will often depend on the children for emotional support. A spouse going through divorce will, at times, also depend on the child to perform the duties or tasks the absent parent used to do. This causes a strained and fragile relationship between both parents and the child.

Divorce is a hard road to navigate for both the parents and the child. I am looking forward to learning more about this subject as I research more on this topic. I am also excited to see how my blog partner’s research overlaps each other’s research.

-Sally Hamilton

Birth Order of Siblings

Birth Order of Siblings

Birth order is an interesting phenomenon. Ever considered why and how certain characteristics and traits are developed? Birth order is an interesting study. Basically, there are three categories one can fall in—oldest, middle, and youngest within a family.

Let’s look at the oldest in a family or sometimes called the firstborn. Many times, the firstborn paves the way for the ones to follow. Firstborns have the distinction of doing everything fist in their families. Parents can focus all their attention on their firstborn. Firstborns probably feel pretty special with their status. Firstborn’s achievements are major with parents and very celebrated. Firstborns are photographed often and quite little superstars. Firstborns spend a lot of time with adults and mature quickly and may become an overachiever. Firstborns can be confident in their abilities. At the same time, firstborns may feel pressure when other siblings come along. Often, firstborns are expected to set a good example. Firstborns learn responsibility as a result of helping out with younger siblings. Firstborns usually can be counted on. Watch out, firstborns can be bossy! Experiencing most things first helps firstborns to good decision makers. 

Now, let’s take a look at the middle child in a family which can be several children. Being in the middle is a unique position. Middles don’t have the full weight of being the oldest, yet are too old to have all the benefit of being the youngest. It’s not hard to be overlooked as a middle child—they just go along and get along! Middles do all the firsts that the oldest does but remember, it’s all been done before.  Middles can feel left out. Parents are happy and celebrate Middles’ accomplishments but, maybe with a little less glee this time around. There are photographs of Middles too but not as many. Middles may get older siblings’ hand-me-downs so what is special about that. Trying to find a unique place might be a challenge. When it comes to making compromises in the family, it seems to all fall on the Middle child to be the flexible one.  After all, Middles are not the oldest or youngest but just in the middle sometimes referred to as the lost place, not really fitting in anywhere. Just in the middle and no one understands. On the other hand, Middles are probably really good at sharing and taking turns. Middles learn patience being the middle child because Middles are expected to cooperate. Many, but not all, middle children have quiet personalities. Middles have often been called the peacemaker.

So now we move on to the youngest in a family often referred to as the baby of the family. Boy, babies learn to work that title! Babies get away with a lot. Older siblings think the baby is really spoiled and gets away with everything. Sometimes, the baby does things that get blamed on older siblings because the baby is younger than them and this becomes an excuse to overlook things. Babies can get people to do things for them so sometimes they come to expect it and want to be taken care of. Responsibility is a challenge for the baby. With all the protection that is in place, babies don’t develop a sense of who they are so making their own decisions is more challenging. On the other hand, babies do know how to share. The baby might be a bit of a tattletale making so perhaps not the greatest person to confide in or to keep a secret. Babies tend to like drama and create a fair share. Sometimes, there’s a rebel inside the baby. And, babies do know how to manipulate—they’ve been getting their way for a long time so are pretty good. However, babies know how to turn on the charm and are usually well liked by others. Babies can also be a lot of fun to be around.

Post by JT  --  Comments Welcomed.
Qualifier: (Birth Order characteristics are common traits but do not always apply to every child)

Works Cited

Griffin, Lynne R.N., M.Ed. “Field Guide to Familes—Nuturing strong relationships
          —one issue At a time.” Psychology Today. 18 Oct. 2012. Web. 2 Oct. 2014.

Gross, Gail Ph.D., Ed.D. “The Achiever, the Peacemaker and the Life of the Party:
          How Birth Order Affects Personality.” The Huffington Post. 23 Dec. 2013.
          Web. 2 Oct. 2014.

Hartshorne, Joshua K. “How Birth Order Affects Your Personality.” Scientific
          American. 8 Jan. 2009. Web. 2 Oct. 2014.

Palmer, Steve. “Does Birth Order Determine Personality?” Parent Further Blog. Web.
         2 Oct. 2014.

Walcutt, Diana L. Ph.D. “Birth Order and Personality.” Psych Central. Web. 2 Oct. 2014