Emotional Abuse

An Emotional Interview

I interviewed two women about the emotional abuse that they have suffered. One is a full time working parent and the other was a full time stay at home mom. The working professional whom I’ll call A, was abused by her father, a Veteran. Most of the abuse she saw as a child was directed towards her mother. The other woman, Allison, was abused by her husband. She has since divorced him and is slowly regaining her confidence. I will present their stories from my own personal perspective, and hopefully represent them as the strong women they are.

Interview 1:

“A”

A and her sister saw their fathers abuse of their mother not daily, but “enough”. There was a lot of yelling, she remembered. It has affected the older sister more so. This might be because, as the oldest in the family, she saw more of this abuse growing up. As’ parents divorced before she reached adolescence. Her mother, a healthcare worker, died about a year ago. Her father has since remarried and the new marriage created the addition of two siblings, whom A has created a relationship with, despite the difficulties between A and her father. A is decidedly the one that is the peace maker in this family. This is evident in her desire to protect her sister from stressful situations that involve their father, a typical caretakers response. However, forging this new relationship between her father, stepmother, and siblings, has not been easy. Family functions are met with stress and cautious excitement.

A describes her father as “manipulative” with almost Jekyll and Hyde characteristics and the “architect of his own insanity” These are typical characteristics of narcissistic and psychopathic behaviors. As’ sister has not spoken with their father in several years. She refuses to attend family events where he is present. This is probably best for her own mental health. A, however, has the emotional and physical support of her husband to run interference in those stressful situations. He attends family gatherings with her and knows the triggers to look for and how to diffuse them or at least redirect the unhealthy behaviors.

A describes times when her father would create situations that would make him look good and the other person, either her or her sister, bad. He would say something quietly or passive aggressively, knowing that the other person would react. He speaks to his grown children in a very inappropriate manner when referring to his current wife. His current wife has become an alcoholic as well as one of her step siblings. The other sibling has moved far across the country away from the family. These are all symptoms of abuse as described in the book Little Eyes, Little Ears by Alison Cunningham and Linda Baker.

A has stated that her siblings from the second marriage see their father as almost perfect, however I wonder how much of that is true given the facts that one uses alcohol and the other actual physical distance to separate themselves from him. It also begs the question as to whether the abuse is perceived differently based on the sex of the children. The children from the second marriage are both male. It might be that one or the other had become the “Abusers Confidant”, the child that was treated better by the abuser and given justifications for the abuse and may have even been rewarded for information on the mothers behavior. (Cunningham/Baker)

A has adjusted well, considering her past. I am sure that this is from pure inner determination to break the cycle of abuse and not wanting her own children to suffer from an emotionally neglectful parent. The support of her husband and possibly the need to be strong for her sister has pushed her forward to a more positive and healthy mindset. She should be proud that those chains are being broken, though I wonder if she is. As with all abuse, there is still a hurt there.

A has expressed a fear that possibly she and her family would be judged, and a fear that some members of her family would be displeased about her speaking so openly regarding the abuse. Many years have passed and the effects are still with her. Though A is an adult, she is still the child of her father and this response is typical of an abused child. She has chosen though to be honest and forthcoming in sharing her story and for that I thank her.

If you or someone you know is being abused, please seek help.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline

http://www.thehotline.org/

1-800-799-7233

References:

Psychology Today

PyschCentral

Little Eyes, Little Ears by Lisa Cunningham and Lisa Baker 2007

Thehotline.org

-SH