Sunday, November 30, 2014

Adult Grief
(Personal Perspective)
When my father died 11 years ago of cancer, I immediately felt the need to take over the responsibility of caring for my mother. I don’t remember much during that time. I was in a numb sort of state, just going through the motions. I was responsible for my fathers’ meds and cared for him overnight when my mother just needed a break. Sleeping in a Lay-Boy chair isn't as comfortable as you think. Understanding that the morphine you are giving to your father to help him die is not an experience I would wish on anyone.
I am the youngest of six and there were certainly a lot of other people to help during that time. I had five brothers and sisters and 13 nieces and nephews, most over the age of 18. I and my children are however, closest to my mother. She is 79 now and I still feel the responsibility of making sure she is going to church, keeping her doctor appointments, staying in touch with her friends and other family members. I visit or call her daily and will help her with anything she asks. I am usually the one that makes sure my brothers and sisters come for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I remind them of my mothers’ birthday and other important dates. 
I do feel resentment towards some of my family for their lack of assistance. I have a sister that I have not talked to since my fathers’ death because she feels that my mother 'always takes my side'. I have an older brother that does not spend much time with her or even calls very much to check on her. My family is from a religious background, thanks mostly to my mother for dragging us to church every Sunday, so I find it upsetting that she is not respected as she should be.
Dealing with the death of a parent is not easy, it’s damn hard. There are so many things, even at my age that I wish I would have said, things I wish I never did. We all deal with grief differently. I dealt with it by taking over for my dad in some ways and trying to be a better daughter and friend to my mother.
Even though I am an adult, my fathers’ passing was difficult. I miss him everyday.

“….the death of a parent is not
something that becomes easier with
age, nor is it a loss that fades with time:
on the contrary, a parent’s death stays
with you and shapes you for the rest of
your life; it becomes a condition of your
existence, like having blue eyes or black
hair.”

Rebecca Abrams: ‘When Parents Die’ Routledge, 2000


 -Sally Hamilton

1 comment:

  1. Sally, this is a nice blog on death of a parent. Although I have not experienced this, I have lost my grandmother who died 3 years ago and I experience the same profound loss. We were very close and I miss her so much, and I agree, it never leaves you. Grief is an interesting process and their are steps you go through, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Not everyone goes through every stage but must do at some point. Thanks for sharing your story.
    JT

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