Death of Spouse/Divorce

Coping With the Death of a Spouse or Loved One

When a spouse or significant other dies people go through varying stages of mourning. While there is no right or wrong way to grieve and grief takes many forms, one thing is similar in all cases. The survivor will feel lonely. Some people can “recover” quickly, while others may take years before feeling “normal” again and being able to adjust to their new way of life.

The National Institute on Aging (NIA) offers a variety of ways to help people cope with their loss.  Managing the daily obstacles and trials that the newly bereaved go through can be daunting. They suggest activities like staying in touch with friends, regular exercise and possibly learning a new skill can be most helpful in getting them to adjust and back into life. The NIA also suggests that they see their doctor for feelings of sleeplessness or depression.  Guilt is another feeling that survivors go through, especially if the death was dramatic or tragic. Often it is helpful to seek therapy from a licensed psychiatrist, psychologist, religious counseling or group therapy. Depending on how serious the person is experiencing their grief, they may need medical intervention. These can be serious symptoms that should never go unchecked.

Most people take about a year to go through the mourning process and begin have more good days than bad. If they use the ideas that are suggested to them or even find another healthy way to cope, it’s always better for them. Getting used to doing things on their own is another difficulty that they will go through. The simplest task like paying a bill or feeding the dog can become a trigger for feelings of loss, sadness or even anger towards the one that has passed. This is especially true if the chore was typically the deceased responsibility. When feelings like this arise it’s best to have a plan in place to help get through the situation. Having a friend on speed dial is always a great idea.

The NIA also suggests that you rewrite your will, sign up for Medicare by age 65 and put your home and other property in your name.  All of these are great ideas and can help the person get used to doing these types of things on their own. It is important to keep up with the legal and personal issues that everyone has to deal with. Seeking help on these matters from a trusted friend, lawyer or other professional would be a good idea if you are unfamiliar with insurance, legal documents or taxes.

The NIA also offers links to other sites that might be helpful. The Social Security Administration and the Geriatric Mental Health Foundation for instance both have pages dedicated the senior citizen that has lost a spouse.  While most of these sites would be helpful to the senior citizen that loses a spouse, they are not typically helpful to the younger person that has lost a husband or wife.

The effects of the death of a parent on a child is much more difficult and far reaching than when one is an adult. The child between the ages of eleven and fifteen is most affected according to Psychcentral.com. This is the age that most children are dealing with puberty and becoming a more global person. Children who lose a parent in this age range had a higher risk of dropping out of school or forgoing higher education to work or getting married earlier. The socioeconomic stress that the family deals with causes a strained relationship between the surviving parent and the child. Often times the child will take on some of the roles and responsibilities of the dead parent which in turn causes a blurred line relationship between the surviving spouse and the child.

The National Institute of Health (NIH) states that the death of a same sex parent affects the child more so than the death of an opposite sex parent. Boys were more affected by their fathers’ death and girls by their mothers. Children that lost a same sex parent between the ages of eleven and fifteen scored lower in psychological and physical wellness.

There are many websites dedicated to dealing with the loss of a spouse, EHow for instance has a ten step program. In ten easy steps they can have you recovered! I would find this almost funny if it were not for the serious subject matter. They suggest you adopt a pet, learn to be patient and take a ride in a hot air balloon. The site is complete with cartoon pictures and ads on how to get rid of bedbugs. While not all sites are as ridiculous as this, thankfully, one should be careful to seek help on trusted, accredited websites that offer professional help.

I hope to explore more on the affects to a child by the death of parent more as we move along on this project.

Coping with Divorce

Divorce affects all aspects of the family unit. Children of divorce often experience everything from social and economic downfalls to educational and emotional issues. A child from a divorced family can lack the ability to form close bonds with others and often become either aggressive towards others or become introverted. This all depends on the age and sex of the child.

Younger children will typically become introverted and will revert back to a time when they depended on their parents. They will need their food cut, revert to bed-wetting and in general, require a lot of attention. Older children (11-15), on the other hand, will become more aggressive, especially towards the residential parent. They feel that if the parents can hurt them in this way, they have the right to hurt them back. They will rely more on support from friends.

Spouses going through divorce also experience a lot of the same feelings that widowed spouses feel. They will have feeling of anger and loss. They will often depend on the children for emotional support. A spouse going through divorce will, at times, also depend on the child to perform the duties or tasks the absent parent used to do. This causes a strained and fragile relationship between both parents and the child.

Divorce is a hard road to navigate for both the parents and the child. I am looking forward to learning more about this subject as I research more on this topic. I am also excited to see how my blog partner’s research overlaps each other’s research.

-Sally Hamilton