The Effects on Divorce on the Family Unit

Some Tips for a Healthy Adjustment

In most cases divorce has a negative effect on the whole family, however there can be positive experiences as well. This is especially true if the parents remain in communication with each other. Communication is a key factor in helping the family adjust to the new lifestyle.

Parents who are upfront with their children about what is happening and do their best to keep a regular schedule show them that not everything is changing and some things will always stay the same. For example, soccer games are attended by both parents, bed time is always at 9:00 and ear piercings are still not o.k. until they are thirteen. This gives the child a sense of security. The child who knows what is happening is comforted by knowing that they can count on their parents to give them safe boundaries with which they can and will test.

Children also need to be left out of adult conversations. It is important for the parents to keep adult conversations between the adults. Children who are involved in financial or other adult issues will show signs of rebellion and anger. It is important to never talk badly of the other parent in front of children. Children whose parents do not participate in “bashing” their spouse have adjusted better and show more confidence in themselves and their abilities.

Some research shows that boys have a harder time adjusting to divorce. This difference may be based on cultural differences. Girls are allowed to show their feelings, they will cry or write and typically discuss their feeling more openly than boys. The father is also often the one that leaves the family and this may a large part of the results too. Boys will hide their feelings or it may come out in other unhealthy ways. Rough play with friends or siblings, risky behavior or misbehaving are some of the ways boys show that they are upset or having a difficult time with divorce. Keeping an open dialogue with boys and allowing them a safe place to express themselves will help them adjust better to the changing situation.

In an article by Nithyakata Karuppaswamy and Judith A. Myers, Ph.D., CFLE,  they stated that “Children adjust better to the divorce if parents adjust well to it. Children will look to their parents for signs that the family can and will get through this. So parents need to show positive and healthy ways to deal with the feelings that go with divorce.” 

-Sally Hamilton & JT