The Middle Child

Birth Order
A Look at the Middle Child in the Family

 

            Sibling relationships are very important, not just because brothers and sisters spend time together but because of the huge impact those relationships have on personality development. Roughly 33% of a person’s free time is spent with a sibling; more time than with anyone else. Sibling relationships contribute to personality traits, help build self-esteem, and even encourage ambition (DeBroff).

            Middle children tend to feel like the “odd man out,” particularly if there are three children in the family with an oldest, middle, and youngest. Not getting enough attention is classic in this scenario. Dr. Alfred Adler was the first one to bring birth order and its effects on personality to light. He himself is a middle child. According to Dr. Adler, middle children are more prone to depression and typically have stronger immune systems. Middle children realize they need to be vocal in order to be heard, otherwise, they are easily overlooked. They also learn the art of flexibility being in the middle.

          
           There are stereotypes about the middle child just as there are about other birth orders. Some of those stereotypes include middle children being resentful, depressed, and not belonging. These traits are called the middle child syndrome. A Stanford University study showed that middles are considered the most envious, least bold, and least talkative of all the birth orders (Griffin).

            Actually, middles are very social and benefit from being team players. They are also cooperative as a result of all the negotiating they do being in the middle. Trust is also a characteristic found in middles. Middles demonstrate strong leadership abilities, a trait often seen in firstborns, and enjoy success as a result of their driven nature. Civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr. was a middle child. 

            Although middles are often neglected by parents, this helps them to be independent.  They are great outside the box thinkers. Because they are so independent, they are less likely to conform. They beat to their own drum.  Middles have great empathy which causes them to be great team players and partners in relationships. 

               Middles are quite driven and make great employees. “Middles are more oriented to principles and concepts, like justice, over earning power or prestige—for example, suffragette Susan B. Anthony and the Polish freedom fighter Lech Walesa. Middles are often motivated by social causes. And when they do enter into a more traditional business, they are great innovators and team leaders, such as Bill Gates” (Griffin).

            Other characteristics of a middle child due to their position within the family are skillful negotiator, as well as savvy and skillful manipulator, a trait they also share with the youngest in the family. Middles have good judgment and know how to compromise; as a result, they are successful at arguing and would make great mediators. Middles are willing to try new things, effect change, and are natural trailblazers. Middles are likely to have an open mind and be willing to try new things. “Middles are justice-seekers, like Nelson Mandela and Susan B. Anthony. They are focused on fairness; they perceive injustice in their family and are attuned to the needs of others as they grow up. Middles side with the underdog and practice what they preach” (Griffin).

            How one grows up affects adult life. Family position is important and relates to the type of jobs one is drawn to and how one interacts with people in the workplace. Middles would make good teachers, actors, social workers and diplomats because of their great empathy, need for fairness, ability to effect change, and their negotiating skills.

Post by JT -- Comments Welcomed. 
Qualifier: (Birth Order characteristics are common traits but do not always apply to every child) 

Works Cited

DeBroff, Stacy. “What are the effects of “middle child syndrome?’ Today Parenting. 
           14 Aug. 2006. Web. 10 Nov. 2014.

Griffin, Lynne, R.N., M.Ed. “Field Guide to Families: The Secret Powers of Middle
          Children." Psychology Today. 18 Oct. 2012. Web. 10 Nov. 2014.

Montgomery, Heather. “The Middle Child Syndrome.” Everyday Family. n.d. Web.
          10 Nov. 2014.

 

Murder and Suicide, the View from Here

Interview: Part 2:

M sat quietly for a while then decided he wanted to go out for a walk. He grabbed Busters leash and we headed out towards the wooded area behind my home. We walked together in silence, occasionally stopping for Buster to smell the grass and trees and eventually mark his territory.

We came to the place where my youngest boys were building a fort. They have been working on this for quite some time and I noticed they had brought some things from home to the site. An old cushion from my patio chair sitting on a log, an American flag stapled to a tree, and…. was that my broom from the back porch? Kids! I thought, but they were using their imagination and I always encouraged that didn't I? No sense complaining about it now, the broom was dirty and I didn't want it back.

M sat down on the log next to the cushion and I joined him. He laughed about all the household items we had found there and he talked about the fort he and my son had made when they were kids. He said it was an escape for him, his “own little world, where I could disappear and where I was in charge. There was no yelling or fighting allowed at my fort.”  He gave me a small smile, but I knew all the pain he had been dealt. It was unfair.

I asked him about the day he had found out what his mother and father had done, I didn't excuse her from the hurt little boy that was sitting in from of me. I still have feelings of betrayal towards her. I asked what he remembered, what he had felt. He said that he was still very angry with his mother, but that they were “working on it”. I knew that most of the family was still in therapy. He said he was angry at his father but that he was working on that as well. He felt guilty that he was so mad at his dad, after all his father was dead and could not defend himself here. He was looking down at the ground this whole time, kicking his feet at the dirt, petting Buster intermittently. He said that he didn’t really remember much from that time.

“A lot of people, people I didn't even fucking know. Never seen them before and will probably never see them again. There was a lot of food. I felt like crawling out of my skin, if that makes sense. I couldn't fucking stand it. It was so embarrassing. I just wanted to be someone, anyone, else. Somewhere else but there. I hated both of them so much. I mean seriously the view from here (he points to his heart) sucks”

M said that he had spent a lot of time at the fort he and my son had made in the woods. They would make fires, smoke cigarettes, share a stolen beer from the fridge and trash talk about the girls in the neighborhood. He said that my son was a good friend, but that sometimes he kind of hated him. Hated me. He looked at me apologetically.

There were times when he wouldn't leave my basement and times when I would ask my son, “Where’s M? Have you talked to him lately?”  Then he would suddenly reappear a week or two later as if no time had passed. I didn't ask him what had happened or where he’d been. We just picked up where we left off. He said that he didn't really hate us, but that he was jealous of our relationship and that sometimes it just got to be too much and he wanted to be around people that didn't know him or at least didn't know him that well. I reached my arm around and rubbed the back of his head, stroking his hair. He tilted his head and gave me a smile. He knew I would never hold that or anything against him. I love him as if he was my own.

M said that he was coming to grips with the facts of his life. He goes to therapy occasionally. Sometimes it’s with his mom, sometimes with other family members and a couple times a year he goes alone. He said that one of his sisters refuses to go or even speak to their mother. She has decided to live in denial. He likes his therapist and now only feels like crawling out of skin, “once in a while”

Life is getting better for him. He has a job that he really likes and some good friends. He is serious about his girlfriend, they have been dating for almost two years now and are talking about moving in together. His face lights up, I can see that he is in love.

I am happy for him and can see that he is working hard towards a healthier life than he has had in the past. He will always have those invisible scars, but he is healing. Before he leaves we make plans for Thanksgiving. “Bye Momma, love you” “Love you too, M.” I tell him to wear his seat belt and to at least try and stay out of trouble, he laughs and waves over his shoulder.

The view from here is not always very pretty, honestly it can be downright ugly and horrifying. Not everyone has had to deal with what M has had to deal with, but we all have our scars. What we can do is learn to lean on each other and hopefully find the good in each other.

-Sally Hamilton

Murder and Suicide, the View from Here

Interview: Part 1: Introduction

Interview with M., a 22 year old man whose father committed a murder then killed himself. His father, “John” shot to death his wifes’ lover, then himself. This took place when M. was 14 years old, just before entering his first year of high school.

I have known this family for almost fifteen years and never saw this coming, all families and couples have problems and I knew that they were dealing with their fair share but did not expect this. Looking back I suppose that is why I felt the need to take him into my home, he was after all my sons’ best friend. There were many mornings I would wake up and see M. on my couch, curled up in the throw blankets and pillows.  I had started keeping them there just “in case” a few months before.  I never said anything to him, just made breakfast and acted like it was a normal day. Sadly, it was becoming so normal that I began buying the bigger packs of chicken for dinner, doing his laundry at times and including him in our family vacations.  I think that he appreciated me not talking about it or asking questions. I let him know that I was there if he needed me without prying or asking “how are you doing” every 5 minutes, or giving him those sad little looks that people give. There were times when we were driving to school or just hanging at the house that he would open up and talk about what was bothering him or how hurt and alone he felt. It would totally break me down on the inside, my heart hurt for him. I did my best just to listen and let him know he was being heard.

Today, he is a healthy young man, has a good job and dating a very lovely girl. It did however take him many years to get here. I know he is a man now but I still see him as that beautiful and kind little boy I met when he was just seven years old, jumping my fence, tousled blonde hair, dirty face and torn jeans. Always ready for trouble, as most boys are.

I began this interview in my home, it was just the two of us there, I had made coffee and apple cake for him, his favorite. I made sure that no one else was home to interrupt us and to give him the freedom and privacy to talk about whatever he wanted. I assured him that I would not give specific details and that I would not even tell my son that he was meeting with me. I wasn’t sure at the time why he wanted to keep that from him, but I had made my promise.

M. arrived about eleven, he is six foot one now, tall and handsome. “Hi Momma” he says and immediately gives me a hug. Most people just hug as a kind of obligation, M.s’ hugs are personal, more of an embrace than a hug. The kind of hug that makes you give that deep sigh. You have just let go of something you didn’t even know you were carrying with you and suddenly feel lighter.

We settled in the living room, coffee, cake and just the hint of 94.7 in the background. We went over all the regular chat, what’s new, how is A.L. doing? What is your sister up to these days? I answered his questions about my family and we talked about my return to school and how I felt out of place sometimes with these “kids”. Always the ambassador, he reassured me and said he was proud of me. 

He sat opposite me on the chase. My dog, Buster had his head in his lap appreciating the attention as M. absent mindedly stroked his ears. He said that he remembered getting into trouble and the sentences I had made him write. One hundred times, “I will not start a fire in the shed”, “I will not spray paint the wall”, I will not….think of something and put it here, they probably did it. We laughed. He has a beautiful smile. I can still see the sadness in his eyes though. Most people probably don’t see it or if they do they don’t really know what it is they are seeing. Unless you really look at another human being, really see them, you will never know the hurt and the beauty that they carry with them.

He started talking about all the times that I had disciplined him and how he felt at the time that I was “a ….. “ He looked up at me. “a bitch?” I finished. “a little bit mean”, he said. I just listened. He then said that now he appreciated it because it made him feel “more normal”. He wasn’t the kid that had this dad that had done this horrible thing and we should all take pity on him. He was just M. a kid that had done something wrong and was being called out on it and held responsible, “just like all the other kids”.

Part two will be in next weeks’ blog.

-Sally Hamilton