Allison 

Part 2

Allison described her life as ”alone, but with people”. She said she was required to be accountable for her time and did not have access to any of the home’s finances. She displays her anger in a proper and kind way with a bit of matter of factness thrown in. That is the best way I can describe her. She says things like “I couldn't keep a journal because he had found it once and there was a “fight.” She raises her hands to make the quote sign and “I had to ask for money every day for gas, just to get the kids to school.” or “He would break my phone in an attempt to intimidate me, then realizing the next day that people would know what he had done, buy me a newer one and apologize.”  She says these things as if it were normal.

I listened to her tell me about her husband calling her unrepeatable names, telling their children, two boys, that they should never get married. That they should just have their fun with girls. He had berated and undermined her.

She said that in the past she had begun to rely on her family members to provide money for her car insurance, Dr. appointments, gas, and phone bills, name it and they have paid it. This had become embarrassing for her. She was obviously a proud woman. I asked her how such an outgoing and usually happy woman got herself into such a situation. She said that it had occurred

“…slowly over time. This would happen and I let it go. Then he would take the next and the next step until you’re so far lost that he wouldn't even have to do anything anymore. You’re just broken and your spirit is broken. You second guess everything that you do, you just give up. It’s OK that you have to call your mom to pick up the kids because you have no gas in your car, its OK to ask your family for money to go to the dr’s., to buy the kids shoes, to pay this bill or that bill. It’s O.K. to be called names, to be talked down to in front of your children. It becomes normal. It becomes your life, until you reach the point that you decide that you can’t do it anymore. I became madder at myself than I was at him. I was so angry that I had allowed this to happen to me and my children”

I see the anger in her rising up. A lot of what she had been through I will leave out because she was too embarrassed to have it shared publicly.

We take a break and make some coffee, Pumpkin Spice, popular this time of year. We talk about our children, this brings a smile to her face and she begins to relax.

Part 3, next week

If you or someone you know is being abused, please seek help.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline

http://www.thehotline.org/

1-800-799-7233

-SH

Adult Grief

(Personal Perspective)

When my father died 11 years ago of cancer, I immediately felt the need to take over the responsibility of caring for my mother. I don’t remember much during that time. I was in a numb sort of state, just going through the motions. I was responsible for my fathers’ meds and cared for him overnight when my mother just needed a break. Sleeping in a Lay-Boy chair isn't as comfortable as you think. Understanding that the morphine you are giving to your father to help him die is not an experience I would wish on anyone.

I am the youngest of six and there were certainly a lot of other people to help during that time. I had five brothers and sisters and 13 nieces and nephews, most over the age of 18. I and my children are however, closest to my mother. She is 79 now and I still feel the responsibility of making sure she is going to church, keeping her doctor appointments, staying in touch with her friends and other family members. I visit or call her daily and will help her with anything she asks. I am usually the one that makes sure my brothers and sisters come for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I remind them of my mothers’ birthday and other important dates. 

I do feel resentment towards some of my family for their lack of assistance. I have a sister that I have not talked to since my fathers’ death because she feels that my mother 'always takes my side'. I have an older brother that does not spend much time with her or even calls very much to check on her. My family is from a religious background, thanks mostly to my mother for dragging us to church every Sunday, so I find it upsetting that she is not respected as she should be.

Dealing with the death of a parent is not easy, it’s damn hard. There are so many things, even at my age that I wish I would have said, things I wish I never did. We all deal with grief differently. I dealt with it by taking over for my dad in some ways and trying to be a better daughter and friend to my mother.

Even though I am an adult, my fathers’ passing was difficult. I miss him everyday.

“….the death of a parent is not

something that becomes easier with

age, nor is it a loss that fades with time:

on the contrary, a parent’s death stays

with you and shapes you for the rest of

your life; it becomes a condition of your

existence, like having blue eyes or black

hair.”

Rebecca Abrams: ‘When Parents Die’ Routledge, 2000

 -Sally Hamilton

The Youngest Child

Birth Order

A Look at the Youngest Child – Known as the Last-born

            
     The youngest child, also known as the last-born has a unique position within the family. They seem to be loved by everyone. They are funny, entertaining, and very charming. They have had a front seat to the goings on in the family and this benefits them. They have learned from the older children and know how to avoid the same mistakes of the older children. Youngest children are unique in other ways as well. “Youngest children are unique in that they are never displaced by a newborn.  They are the babies of the family, and in that way, they continue to be babied long into adulthood.  Youngest tend to appear youthful throughout their lives.  (Ronald Regan was a youngest, a rarity for a US President.) Youngest children often receive a lot of attention from family because many feel responsible for taking care of them.  Thus, youngest may be indulged, pampered and spoiled in ways that other children are not.  Having experienced good things from others, youngest children may grow up expecting good things from life and therefore tend to be optimists rather than negative-thinking people” (West Coast Wellness Group).

Some common characteristics of the youngest child are: 

• Fun-loving
• Uncomplicated
• Manipulative
• Outgoing
• Attention-seeker
• Self-centered
• Charming
• Creative
• Confident
• Caring

According to Dr. Sue Varma, a Board certified Psychiatrist and Clinical Assistant Professor of Psychiatry at NYU Langone Medical Center, “The youngest are the individuals in the family. They're more playful, and since they have to fight for attention, they've developed a sense of humor as a way of doing that. A lot of actors and famous comedians are the youngest in the family. They tend to take more risks because they've been more protected, so they feel indestructible. They have a lot of confidence. They're creative and can be great problem-solvers. Also, they can go out of their way to prove their individuality, since they end up with all the hand-me-downs. They are the charmers. As thrill/pleasure seekers, they can be most at risk for addictive behavior, which can range from compulsive eating and drinking to sex.”

            There are many benefits to being the youngest in a family: (Elite Daily) 

1.     Youngest are all about good vibes

The term “family drama” is redundant. Good thing youngest children exist to shoo away the dark clouds and infect the family with glee. Even at a young age, the youngest are about being more optimistic than older siblings.

2.     Youngest are close to everyone in the family

The youngest child gets to spend significant amounts of time with everyone in the family, with whom the youngest shares a unique bond.

3.     The youngest learns from the experiences of other siblings

This is probably the best among the perks of being the youngest child. It’s like life is a big classroom and seated in the last row, the youngest gets to see how other siblings go through all of the exams.

4.     Parents are a hero to the youngest

Admit it: The youngest kid noticed how special being the youngest is by the special treatment received by parents. The youngest got the biggest slice of cake, the best flavored ice cream and even the most attractive pair of shoes.

5.    Despite the freedom, the youngest is careful of actions

Other siblings, although aware of the occasional injustice, see the youngest (same as parents) as the adorable baby who never grows up. But since an older brother or sister already did some crazy things in their day, the youngest is given the luxury of freedom from parents.

6.     The youngest turns out to be the most loving

Youngest children grow up in love. Because youngest have been the center of affection for the longest time, they know what love is, how it feels and how to show it.

               Meri Wallace, M.S.W., C.S.W., and author of the book Birth Order Blues, there are many positive aspects of being the youngest child. “The positives of the last-born are that the babies tend to get a lot of attention. They can get the beloved attention of the parents and the older children if things go really well. The youngest and middle children tend to have less pressure put on them by the parents. They are kind of left to grow up a little more on their own because everyone is so preoccupied with the first-born. They may end up becoming very creative because they have to fill their own time.”

Post by JT – Comments Welcomed.
Qualifier: (Birth Order characteristics are common traits but do not always apply to every child)

Works Cited

Macaraeg, Carla Mae. "Why Being The Youngest Child In The Family Is The Best 

          Position." Elite Daily. 5 May 2014. Web. 22 Nov. 2014.
Varma Sue., M.D. "What Birth Order Can Predict About You." DoctorOz.com.

          12 Mar. 2013. Web. 22 Nov. 2014.
Wallace, Meri., M.S.W., C.S.W. "The Burden of Birth Order." TheMotherCo.com
          12 Jan. 2012. Web. 22 Nov. 2014.
“The Youngest Child: Birth Order Characteristics.” WestCoastWellnessGroup.org.
          3 Apr. 2011. Web. 22 Nov. 2014.

Emotional Interview 2

Allison: Part 1

Allison was the second woman I spoke with. I have known her for over 20 years. I always saw her as a strong and independent woman, never afraid to speak her mind.  We met through our husband and were a close circle until my husband’s death. They moved shortly after that and we only stayed in touch through letters, phone calls and recently Face Book. I had no idea what her life was really like until she called me one night about 5 years ago. She said she wanted to leave her husband.

This interview was by far, the most difficult for me. I had an obvious emotional connection to my friend and hearing the details of their relationship had made me angry. I had other feelings that are hard for me to describe. Betrayal, confusion? Why didn't she ask for help before? She didn't trust me? Allison, her husband and yes, even my husband, I had found out later, had lied to me about their relationship. I thought we were all a close group that shared our lives and the lives of our children. I was wrong. What did that say about my husband and I’s relationship?

People can go through life without knowing the most intimate truths about the closest of our friends and family members. Sometimes it’s only until tragedy strikes that we find out the truth behind each of our lives.

(To be continued)

If you or someone you know is being abused, please seek help.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline

http://www.thehotline.org/

1-800-799-7233

-SH

Emotional Abuse

An Emotional Interview

I interviewed two women about the emotional abuse that they have suffered. One is a full time working parent and the other was a full time stay at home mom. The working professional whom I’ll call A, was abused by her father, a Veteran. Most of the abuse she saw as a child was directed towards her mother. The other woman, Allison, was abused by her husband. She has since divorced him and is slowly regaining her confidence. I will present their stories from my own personal perspective, and hopefully represent them as the strong women they are.

Interview 1:

“A”

A and her sister saw their fathers abuse of their mother not daily, but “enough”. There was a lot of yelling, she remembered. It has affected the older sister more so. This might be because, as the oldest in the family, she saw more of this abuse growing up. As’ parents divorced before she reached adolescence. Her mother, a healthcare worker, died about a year ago. Her father has since remarried and the new marriage created the addition of two siblings, whom A has created a relationship with, despite the difficulties between A and her father. A is decidedly the one that is the peace maker in this family. This is evident in her desire to protect her sister from stressful situations that involve their father, a typical caretakers response. However, forging this new relationship between her father, stepmother, and siblings, has not been easy. Family functions are met with stress and cautious excitement.

A describes her father as “manipulative” with almost Jekyll and Hyde characteristics and the “architect of his own insanity” These are typical characteristics of narcissistic and psychopathic behaviors. As’ sister has not spoken with their father in several years. She refuses to attend family events where he is present. This is probably best for her own mental health. A, however, has the emotional and physical support of her husband to run interference in those stressful situations. He attends family gatherings with her and knows the triggers to look for and how to diffuse them or at least redirect the unhealthy behaviors.

A describes times when her father would create situations that would make him look good and the other person, either her or her sister, bad. He would say something quietly or passive aggressively, knowing that the other person would react. He speaks to his grown children in a very inappropriate manner when referring to his current wife. His current wife has become an alcoholic as well as one of her step siblings. The other sibling has moved far across the country away from the family. These are all symptoms of abuse as described in the book Little Eyes, Little Ears by Alison Cunningham and Linda Baker.

A has stated that her siblings from the second marriage see their father as almost perfect, however I wonder how much of that is true given the facts that one uses alcohol and the other actual physical distance to separate themselves from him. It also begs the question as to whether the abuse is perceived differently based on the sex of the children. The children from the second marriage are both male. It might be that one or the other had become the “Abusers Confidant”, the child that was treated better by the abuser and given justifications for the abuse and may have even been rewarded for information on the mothers behavior. (Cunningham/Baker)

A has adjusted well, considering her past. I am sure that this is from pure inner determination to break the cycle of abuse and not wanting her own children to suffer from an emotionally neglectful parent. The support of her husband and possibly the need to be strong for her sister has pushed her forward to a more positive and healthy mindset. She should be proud that those chains are being broken, though I wonder if she is. As with all abuse, there is still a hurt there.

A has expressed a fear that possibly she and her family would be judged, and a fear that some members of her family would be displeased about her speaking so openly regarding the abuse. Many years have passed and the effects are still with her. Though A is an adult, she is still the child of her father and this response is typical of an abused child. She has chosen though to be honest and forthcoming in sharing her story and for that I thank her.

If you or someone you know is being abused, please seek help.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline

http://www.thehotline.org/

1-800-799-7233

References:

Psychology Today

PyschCentral

Little Eyes, Little Ears by Lisa Cunningham and Lisa Baker 2007

Thehotline.org

-SH